Aishwarya had started off as a very naughty child . Even at the age of five ,she dominated the kids of her age in the neighbourhood ….who would run crying to their parents .
She liked to punish her four year old brother their pet dog Abhishek and their mother as much as possible .
With her Daddy out of town most of the time ,Ash’s mother was left to handle the holy terror . Her mother tried punishing Ash in every way , spanking , shouting ,sending Ash to her room for hours …nothing would work .
Until one day at dinner she put on the TV and who comes on but Shobha De….as a critic , chopping up the poor interviewee across her with words from her razor sharp tongue and her incredible wit .
Aishwarya watched with awe which gave her mother the unique idea .
She shut off the TV saying it was too dangerous with that woman in the room even if she was only on TV. People all over the world are scared of her she told Ash.
“If you don’t finish your dinner right now ..I will call Shobha De , she threatened Ash.
Much to her astonishment , little Ash started eating her meal…until the last scrap was eaten
At last Ash’s mother had scored !
Whereas other kids can be scared with threats…...by calling on ghosts , zombies ,snakes or even Rabri Devi , Ash was terrified just at the mention of Shobha De .
The years went by , but the Shobha De phobia did not .
In fact , Ash would start stammering at the mere mention of Shobha De..
Once she and a few classmates from Wilson College were sitting on the seashore .After eating some pani puri , the girls took turns singing .
Ash started her mom’s favourite song …” Nain so nain . “ .at which moment the wind blew a page from Times of India at their feet . And there on top of the page was the name Shobha De and a picture beneath .
“Nuh ..nuh ..naah…naaah ..naih..aaih …nain…. . “ sputtered Ash , eyes round as saucers as she swallowed her spit to try again .
“Naann …nanna …anna , “ she stopped sobbing , “ I can’t, I can’t , “ as her friends tried to figure out what had gone wrong .
Not daring to look down , Ash got up yanking her two friends with her and said .”.Let’s get away from this place “ …and took off .
Living in Mumbai ,one could not avoid Shobha De as she often came on TV , wrote opinions in newspapers and magazines and her name always cropped up somewhere .
Ultimately , Ash was referred to a famous psychiatrist Dr. Freni Bharucha . As Ash explained her problem at the mention of Shobha De, Dr. Bharucha literally flew off her sofa, , ran to her medicine cabinet and popped two Valiums in her mouth .
“I’m so so saa s orry, “ explained Dr. Bharucha ,stammering …
:
” I was in the same class as Shobha De in school and had a bigger problem than yours . All the girls in our class , including me had to undergo intense psychotherapy . I am still not over my fear ..Please go to another psychiatrist , preferably a male one .Thank you .Bye bye . “
Poor Ash . She had to do something .Perhaps she would lighten up this weekend at the Christmas party at the Taj Chinese room . At least she would see several celebrities there
As the festivities got her in a good mood, she decided she would conquer her own phobia .All she needed was a mantra ..What could be better than “ I am not afraid of Shobha De “, repeated again and again .?
As she went to the ladies’ room to check her appearance , she kept on muttering “ I am not afraid of Shobha De “ repeatedly .
There was a lady next to her powdering her nose , lean ,dark haired with a sharp nose and as she slowly turned towards our Aishwarya ..who could it be but Shobha De herself !!.
For Aishwarya the world stood still . She could not breathe ., her legs began to wobble .Her eyes became squint and she went into a faint , right on the floor .
As the smart thinker , Shobha De grabbed her head to prevent it from hitting the floor, even as she shouted , “Get a doctor quickly . “
“I’m a doctor , “said a voice , and this female stepped forward all in black…black sari , blouse , black onyx jewellery , black sandals , black watch and black tikka .
Shobha De sprang back in alarm , panic written all over her face .
“Oh my God , it’s Frenchita “ !
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Friday, May 4, 2007
Laath kyoon maari ,memsahib ?
True to her name , Laxmi was born in wealth . She was plain and plump , so what ? On top of that she hade married the only son of Shanti Chittal, the iron magnate of India .She was already spoilt and rotten . Now her attitude had become even more insufferable ..
As she was emerging from the mall one afternoon ..having bought the largest ruby necklace in stock , she observed her Maybach with driver and security guards , ready to salute her . but her progress was blocked by two girls very slowly descending the steps.
“Get out of my way ,” screamed Laxmi,as she gave a resounding kick to the child’s buttocks . The child was only leading her wizened old grandmother down the steps. As the child moved towards the side sobbing in humiliation and pain , the white haired grandmother looked up and said :, “ Laath kyoon mari , memsahib ? “
As if Laxmi cared .! Was she not one of the wealthiest women in India where wealth meant power, glory and flattery from chamchaas galore ?
She forgot the incident instantly .
A week later was a childrens’ pool party with parents ..income no less than 1 crore per week ..also invited .
Her daughter wanted a coke as she lay on a float in the water . As there was no one else around ,,Laxmi leaned over the edge of the pool with coke for the little girl .
Wham !
Before the entire crowd . Laxmi Chittal went head first , buttocks pointing to the sky , coke in hand ,straight into her daughter’s float , gulping chlorinated pool water .. in total astonishment .
“What a dive ! Magnificent ! “” her admirers went on and on \,as Laxmi looking miserable was pulled out of the water .She felt like she had been kicked by a mule but there was no one behind her .
Her thirtieth birthday was on the following weekend .lots of important people were present.. .as she bent over to blow out the candles ….
Wham!
In an instant Laxmi had flown a couple of feet in the air landing head first into the cake .All that was visible to the guests were the back of Laxmi’s heels .The rest had disappeared into the cake .
The guest thought this as part of the celebrations and started clapping vigorously . Laxmi felt like she had been kicked in the butt by two hooves of some large donkey .
Mr. Chittal trying to save the occasion sent everyone around for drinks while he tried to figure out which side of his wife’s face he was looking at ..front or back
This time Laxmi suffered pain for a fortnight. She was afraid to step out of the house anymore .
At the Chittal residence . it was time for meditation and prayer . Also to find out the reason behind these unholy happenings .
As Laxmi recalled sullenly her cruel act against the little girl , the family priest explained how she had to ask the forgiveness of the family or the happenings would continue .
It took a week to locate the family near Dadar station …The old grandmother being practical accepted the apology and compensation and assured Laxmi that from next morning onward , she would not have cause to worry .
She then told her to exit by the back staircase .
As Laxmi started down the staircase , the little girl exclaimed that there was a recent accumulation of cow dung that morning at its bottom .
“I know , “ said the old lady .
“Why do you think I asked that nasty woman to go that way ? She cannot be given safe passage today . Is she almost at the bottom ? ”
Wham !
As she was emerging from the mall one afternoon ..having bought the largest ruby necklace in stock , she observed her Maybach with driver and security guards , ready to salute her . but her progress was blocked by two girls very slowly descending the steps.
“Get out of my way ,” screamed Laxmi,as she gave a resounding kick to the child’s buttocks . The child was only leading her wizened old grandmother down the steps. As the child moved towards the side sobbing in humiliation and pain , the white haired grandmother looked up and said :, “ Laath kyoon mari , memsahib ? “
As if Laxmi cared .! Was she not one of the wealthiest women in India where wealth meant power, glory and flattery from chamchaas galore ?
She forgot the incident instantly .
A week later was a childrens’ pool party with parents ..income no less than 1 crore per week ..also invited .
Her daughter wanted a coke as she lay on a float in the water . As there was no one else around ,,Laxmi leaned over the edge of the pool with coke for the little girl .
Wham !
Before the entire crowd . Laxmi Chittal went head first , buttocks pointing to the sky , coke in hand ,straight into her daughter’s float , gulping chlorinated pool water .. in total astonishment .
“What a dive ! Magnificent ! “” her admirers went on and on \,as Laxmi looking miserable was pulled out of the water .She felt like she had been kicked by a mule but there was no one behind her .
Her thirtieth birthday was on the following weekend .lots of important people were present.. .as she bent over to blow out the candles ….
Wham!
In an instant Laxmi had flown a couple of feet in the air landing head first into the cake .All that was visible to the guests were the back of Laxmi’s heels .The rest had disappeared into the cake .
The guest thought this as part of the celebrations and started clapping vigorously . Laxmi felt like she had been kicked in the butt by two hooves of some large donkey .
Mr. Chittal trying to save the occasion sent everyone around for drinks while he tried to figure out which side of his wife’s face he was looking at ..front or back
This time Laxmi suffered pain for a fortnight. She was afraid to step out of the house anymore .
At the Chittal residence . it was time for meditation and prayer . Also to find out the reason behind these unholy happenings .
As Laxmi recalled sullenly her cruel act against the little girl , the family priest explained how she had to ask the forgiveness of the family or the happenings would continue .
It took a week to locate the family near Dadar station …The old grandmother being practical accepted the apology and compensation and assured Laxmi that from next morning onward , she would not have cause to worry .
She then told her to exit by the back staircase .
As Laxmi started down the staircase , the little girl exclaimed that there was a recent accumulation of cow dung that morning at its bottom .
“I know , “ said the old lady .
“Why do you think I asked that nasty woman to go that way ? She cannot be given safe passage today . Is she almost at the bottom ? ”
Wham !
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Ullu ka Pattha
Ulhaas Mhapankar was really a normal person .It was his mother who started the problem . She was always calling him “ mazha Ullu babu “ or ” mazha Ullu bal “ , an endearing term for a child , but not fit for adulthood .
But the name stuck .
“ Arre Ullu “ or “ Ullu ka Pattha “ went on through college years and beyond . Poor Ulhaas seemed helpless , the more he tried to get friends to address him properly , the worse it became .
The final straw was at the Shivaji Park swimming pool . Ulhaas had been line maraooing this cute gujju chick Sheetal when who should show up but a trio of his college buddies .
“Hey Ullu ! Kya kar rahaa hain ? “
“ Arre yaar , Ullu ke Patthey ! Stop sucking in your stomach and flexing those biceps ! “
At this point sweet Sheetal gave her cutest little giggle and asked poor Ulhaas ,
“ What is your real name ? Tell me , no ? “
Ulhaas could not take it any more . He stormed into the locker room , got out of his swim trunks , zipped up his pant , put on his shirt , buttoned up only the neck button and walked out .
Alas ! Little did he realize that he was the catalyst who changed forever the world of Mumbai fashion. And what Mumbai does , the rest of India follows .
what had happened was Ulhaas had put on his pant inside out . The seams were clearly visible as were his pant pockets , hanging out on both sides .
Even the price tags were sticking out because he had forgotten to cut them off . The shirt was not tucked in the pant and with just the neck buttoned , it flowed like a cape !
Totally unaware of his appearance ... mind distraught , Ulhaas walked the street like a devil- may-care James Bond .
People were mesmerized . The women were overjoyed .Here was a man ,,finally with guts to flaunt his navel , albeit a wet one at that . Hair rumpled ...pant zipper externally displayed .
Here was a man among men !
Movie star Sunil Shetty ‘s car had stopped at the traffic light . As he gazed to the left , he saw this walking apparition in a style no one had thought of before . He immediately called his clothing store supervisor and insisted on starting this new line , whatever the cost .He had to get ahead of the game !
Clueless of the hungama he was causing on the streets , Ulhaas reached home to find his whole family excited ..
Designer Ralph Lauren had been calling every five minutes alternating with Oscar de la Renta and others to speak with him , if they could borrow his idea on their line of clothing .
And there waiting patiently on the sofa was none other than Bollywood producer Rakesh Roshan ! He was willing to pay Ulhaas a small fortune to be the costume designer for his son Hritik in their forthcoming film .
Ulhaas’ mother in tears embraced her son again and again . They were going to be rich !
“Arrey Ullu bal, “ she exclaimed . : How brilliant of you to think of this sensational clothing line ! I always knew my Ullu would come into his own one day “
As a stunned Ulhaas tried to comprehend in his dazed mind what was happening , he suddenly looked down and realized what was wrong !
“Oh God ! he cried . “ let me quickly change my clothes ! “
“ No ! “ a dozen voices rang out simultaneously . “ Not on your life ! “
But the name stuck .
“ Arre Ullu “ or “ Ullu ka Pattha “ went on through college years and beyond . Poor Ulhaas seemed helpless , the more he tried to get friends to address him properly , the worse it became .
The final straw was at the Shivaji Park swimming pool . Ulhaas had been line maraooing this cute gujju chick Sheetal when who should show up but a trio of his college buddies .
“Hey Ullu ! Kya kar rahaa hain ? “
“ Arre yaar , Ullu ke Patthey ! Stop sucking in your stomach and flexing those biceps ! “
At this point sweet Sheetal gave her cutest little giggle and asked poor Ulhaas ,
“ What is your real name ? Tell me , no ? “
Ulhaas could not take it any more . He stormed into the locker room , got out of his swim trunks , zipped up his pant , put on his shirt , buttoned up only the neck button and walked out .
Alas ! Little did he realize that he was the catalyst who changed forever the world of Mumbai fashion. And what Mumbai does , the rest of India follows .
what had happened was Ulhaas had put on his pant inside out . The seams were clearly visible as were his pant pockets , hanging out on both sides .
Even the price tags were sticking out because he had forgotten to cut them off . The shirt was not tucked in the pant and with just the neck buttoned , it flowed like a cape !
Totally unaware of his appearance ... mind distraught , Ulhaas walked the street like a devil- may-care James Bond .
People were mesmerized . The women were overjoyed .Here was a man ,,finally with guts to flaunt his navel , albeit a wet one at that . Hair rumpled ...pant zipper externally displayed .
Here was a man among men !
Movie star Sunil Shetty ‘s car had stopped at the traffic light . As he gazed to the left , he saw this walking apparition in a style no one had thought of before . He immediately called his clothing store supervisor and insisted on starting this new line , whatever the cost .He had to get ahead of the game !
Clueless of the hungama he was causing on the streets , Ulhaas reached home to find his whole family excited ..
Designer Ralph Lauren had been calling every five minutes alternating with Oscar de la Renta and others to speak with him , if they could borrow his idea on their line of clothing .
And there waiting patiently on the sofa was none other than Bollywood producer Rakesh Roshan ! He was willing to pay Ulhaas a small fortune to be the costume designer for his son Hritik in their forthcoming film .
Ulhaas’ mother in tears embraced her son again and again . They were going to be rich !
“Arrey Ullu bal, “ she exclaimed . : How brilliant of you to think of this sensational clothing line ! I always knew my Ullu would come into his own one day “
As a stunned Ulhaas tried to comprehend in his dazed mind what was happening , he suddenly looked down and realized what was wrong !
“Oh God ! he cried . “ let me quickly change my clothes ! “
“ No ! “ a dozen voices rang out simultaneously . “ Not on your life ! “
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