we are in this together

Tennis Anyone ?

2007-09-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

I don’t know how many of you are interested in the game of tennis .

I was watching the early rounds of the US Open this afternoon and observed that as exciting as the match was between Blake and Haas all the way to the tie breaker , it was disappointing to see Roddick win on the basis of his opponent walking out on the second set due to ill heath .

Among the ladies , high hopes were pinned on two young eighteen year olds , one from Poland ..the other from Serbia ( don’t expect me to remember their complex names ) but they lost due to inexperience and mental crackdown .

Fortunately the era of gentleman players has come back . For a while when Connors an Mckenroe reigned supreme ,insults and bad manners were the name of the game …but not so anymore …thank goodness !

I have also noticed lately ..there is no dearth of tall big hulk players like Davenport or the beautiful Russian Sharpova .
Among the men , the average men’s height now is 6 feet 2 inches with an occasional 6 feet 9 inches Eisner .

The prize money is ridiculous . When Laver was world’s best , having won the grand slam twice , the maximum money he made in one year was $5000 .

Contrast that with the million plus and the usual Lexus or Mercedes thrown in ,,,and we are talking mega bucks .
I am not even including the endorsements that the top players earn in the millions , from Nike , Adidas , etc .

Also because of the new tennis rackets with twice as much speed , the game has often become dull , scoring only with service points .

While the men have kept their attire the same , the women’s shorts seem to be getting shorter .
I expect Roger Federer will be world’s number 1 for a few more years , in the same league as Tiger Woods in the world of Golf

I find it funny that once the tennis player is past the young age of 25 , he suddenly becomes past tense ,as the new 18 year olds keep on coming out of the European countries .

Except for Sania Mirza , Indians don’t really have a tennis player to be called world class ..and she has already lost ..in the early rounds .

Vijay Amritraj was the last of our world class single players , and after Paes and Bhupathi broke up we have not had any doubles champions either .

As far as intellectual dominance and brain power is concerned , I doubt if anyone comes close to our fellow Indians
But surely with a billion people . we can come up an occasional champion or two in tennis or any other field involving physical activity in the future .

Now that we have wealth in India , let us have hundreds of tennis courts with top notch coaches to bring us into the world arena of tennis .

In the meantime we at o3 will rack our brains with different strategies of facing all kinds of opponents and outwitting and out psyching them without much expenditure of energy

…since we can never match the strength of these huge flesh eating westerners .

You game for it ?

whos afraid of Shobha De

2007-05-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

Aishwarya had started off as a very naughty child . Even at the age of five ,she dominated the kids of her age in the neighbourhood ….who would run crying to their parents .
She liked to punish her four year old brother their pet dog Abhishek and their mother as much as possible .

With her Daddy out of town most of the time ,Ash’s mother was left to handle the holy terror . Her mother tried punishing Ash in every way , spanking , shouting ,sending Ash to her room for hours …nothing would work .

Until one day at dinner she put on the TV and who comes on but Shobha De….as a critic , chopping up the poor interviewee across her with words from her razor sharp tongue and her incredible wit .

Aishwarya watched with awe which gave her mother the unique idea .

She shut off the TV saying it was too dangerous with that woman in the room even if she was only on TV. People all over the world are scared of her she told Ash.

“If you don’t finish your dinner right now ..I will call Shobha De , she threatened Ash.

Much to her astonishment , little Ash started eating her meal…until the last scrap was eaten

At last Ash’s mother had scored !
Whereas other kids can be scared with threats…...by calling on ghosts , zombies ,snakes or even Rabri Devi , Ash was terrified just at the mention of Shobha De .

The years went by , but the Shobha De phobia did not .
In fact , Ash would start stammering at the mere mention of Shobha De..

Once she and a few classmates from Wilson College were sitting on the seashore .After eating some pani puri , the girls took turns singing .

Ash started her mom’s favourite song …” Nain so nain . “ .at which moment the wind blew a page from Times of India at their feet . And there on top of the page was the name Shobha De and a picture beneath .

“Nuh ..nuh ..naah…naaah ..naih..aaih …nain…. . “ sputtered Ash , eyes round as saucers as she swallowed her spit to try again .

“Naann …nanna …anna , “ she stopped sobbing , “ I can’t, I can’t , “ as her friends tried to figure out what had gone wrong .

Not daring to look down , Ash got up yanking her two friends with her and said .”.Let’s get away from this place “ …and took off .

Living in Mumbai ,one could not avoid Shobha De as she often came on TV , wrote opinions in newspapers and magazines and her name always cropped up somewhere .

Ultimately , Ash was referred to a famous psychiatrist Dr. Freni Bharucha . As Ash explained her problem at the mention of Shobha De, Dr. Bharucha literally flew off her sofa, , ran to her medicine cabinet and popped two Valiums in her mouth .

“I’m so so saa s orry, “ explained Dr. Bharucha ,stammering …
:
” I was in the same class as Shobha De in school and had a bigger problem than yours . All the girls in our class , including me had to undergo intense psychotherapy . I am still not over my fear ..Please go to another psychiatrist , preferably a male one .Thank you .Bye bye . “

Poor Ash . She had to do something .Perhaps she would lighten up this weekend at the Christmas party at the Taj Chinese room . At least she would see several celebrities there

As the festivities got her in a good mood, she decided she would conquer her own phobia .All she needed was a mantra ..What could be better than “ I am not afraid of Shobha De “, repeated again and again .?

As she went to the ladies’ room to check her appearance , she kept on muttering “ I am not afraid of Shobha De “ repeatedly .

There was a lady next to her powdering her nose , lean ,dark haired with a sharp nose and as she slowly turned towards our Aishwarya ..who could it be but Shobha De herself !!.

For Aishwarya the world stood still . She could not breathe ., her legs began to wobble .Her eyes became squint and she went into a faint , right on the floor .

As the smart thinker , Shobha De grabbed her head to prevent it from hitting the floor, even as she shouted , “Get a doctor quickly . “

“I’m a doctor , “said a voice , and this female stepped forward all in black…black sari , blouse , black onyx jewellery , black sandals , black watch and black tikka .

Shobha De sprang back in alarm , panic written all over her face .

“Oh my God , it’s Frenchita “ !

Laath kyoon maari ,memsahib ?

2007-05-04T16:30:00.000-07:00

True to her name , Laxmi was born in wealth . She was plain and plump , so what ? On top of that she hade married the only son of Shanti Chittal, the iron magnate of India .She was already spoilt and rotten . Now her attitude had become even more insufferable ..
As she was emerging from the mall one afternoon ..having bought the largest ruby necklace in stock , she observed her Maybach with driver and security guards , ready to salute her . but her progress was blocked by two girls very slowly descending the steps.

“Get out of my way ,” screamed Laxmi,as she gave a resounding kick to the child’s buttocks . The child was only leading her wizened old grandmother down the steps. As the child moved towards the side sobbing in humiliation and pain , the white haired grandmother looked up and said :, “ Laath kyoon mari , memsahib ? “

As if Laxmi cared .! Was she not one of the wealthiest women in India where wealth meant power, glory and flattery from chamchaas galore ?

She forgot the incident instantly .

A week later was a childrens’ pool party with parents ..income no less than 1 crore per week ..also invited .

Her daughter wanted a coke as she lay on a float in the water . As there was no one else around ,,Laxmi leaned over the edge of the pool with coke for the little girl .

Wham !

Before the entire crowd . Laxmi Chittal went head first , buttocks pointing to the sky , coke in hand ,straight into her daughter’s float , gulping chlorinated pool water .. in total astonishment .

“What a dive ! Magnificent ! “” her admirers went on and on \,as Laxmi looking miserable was pulled out of the water .She felt like she had been kicked by a mule but there was no one behind her .

Her thirtieth birthday was on the following weekend .lots of important people were present.. .as she bent over to blow out the candles ….

Wham!

In an instant Laxmi had flown a couple of feet in the air landing head first into the cake .All that was visible to the guests were the back of Laxmi’s heels .The rest had disappeared into the cake .

The guest thought this as part of the celebrations and started clapping vigorously . Laxmi felt like she had been kicked in the butt by two hooves of some large donkey .

Mr. Chittal trying to save the occasion sent everyone around for drinks while he tried to figure out which side of his wife’s face he was looking at ..front or back

This time Laxmi suffered pain for a fortnight. She was afraid to step out of the house anymore .

At the Chittal residence . it was time for meditation and prayer . Also to find out the reason behind these unholy happenings .

As Laxmi recalled sullenly her cruel act against the little girl , the family priest explained how she had to ask the forgiveness of the family or the happenings would continue .

It took a week to locate the family near Dadar station …The old grandmother being practical accepted the apology and compensation and assured Laxmi that from next morning onward , she would not have cause to worry .

She then told her to exit by the back staircase .

As Laxmi started down the staircase , the little girl exclaimed that there was a recent accumulation of cow dung that morning at its bottom .

“I know , “ said the old lady .
“Why do you think I asked that nasty woman to go that way ? She cannot be given safe passage today . Is she almost at the bottom ? ”

Wham !

Ullu ka Pattha

2007-05-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

Ulhaas Mhapankar was really a normal person .It was his mother who started the problem . She was always calling him “ mazha Ullu babu “ or ” mazha Ullu bal “ , an endearing term for a child , but not fit for adulthood .

But the name stuck .
“ Arre Ullu “ or “ Ullu ka Pattha “ went on through college years and beyond . Poor Ulhaas seemed helpless , the more he tried to get friends to address him properly , the worse it became .

The final straw was at the Shivaji Park swimming pool . Ulhaas had been line maraooing this cute gujju chick Sheetal when who should show up but a trio of his college buddies .

“Hey Ullu ! Kya kar rahaa hain ? “

“ Arre yaar , Ullu ke Patthey ! Stop sucking in your stomach and flexing those biceps ! “

At this point sweet Sheetal gave her cutest little giggle and asked poor Ulhaas ,

“ What is your real name ? Tell me , no ? “

Ulhaas could not take it any more . He stormed into the locker room , got out of his swim trunks , zipped up his pant , put on his shirt , buttoned up only the neck button and walked out .

Alas ! Little did he realize that he was the catalyst who changed forever the world of Mumbai fashion. And what Mumbai does , the rest of India follows .

what had happened was Ulhaas had put on his pant inside out . The seams were clearly visible as were his pant pockets , hanging out on both sides .
Even the price tags were sticking out because he had forgotten to cut them off . The shirt was not tucked in the pant and with just the neck buttoned , it flowed like a cape !

Totally unaware of his appearance ... mind distraught , Ulhaas walked the street like a devil- may-care James Bond .

People were mesmerized . The women were overjoyed .Here was a man ,,finally with guts to flaunt his navel , albeit a wet one at that . Hair rumpled ...pant zipper externally displayed .

Here was a man among men !

Movie star Sunil Shetty ‘s car had stopped at the traffic light . As he gazed to the left , he saw this walking apparition in a style no one had thought of before . He immediately called his clothing store supervisor and insisted on starting this new line , whatever the cost .He had to get ahead of the game !

Clueless of the hungama he was causing on the streets , Ulhaas reached home to find his whole family excited ..
Designer Ralph Lauren had been calling every five minutes alternating with Oscar de la Renta and others to speak with him , if they could borrow his idea on their line of clothing .

And there waiting patiently on the sofa was none other than Bollywood producer Rakesh Roshan ! He was willing to pay Ulhaas a small fortune to be the costume designer for his son Hritik in their forthcoming film .

Ulhaas’ mother in tears embraced her son again and again . They were going to be rich !

“Arrey Ullu bal, “ she exclaimed . : How brilliant of you to think of this sensational clothing line ! I always knew my Ullu would come into his own one day “

As a stunned Ulhaas tried to comprehend in his dazed mind what was happening , he suddenly looked down and realized what was wrong !

“Oh God ! he cried . “ let me quickly change my clothes ! “

“ No ! “ a dozen voices rang out simultaneously . “ Not on your life ! “

An unusual phobia

2007-04-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

It is a strange quirk of human nature , the exaggerated fear at the sight of a needle .
Let’s call it needle phobia . Being an anesthesiologist , I am a good authority on this subject.
On a personal level . I don’t like to be stuck with needles myself , but there are times when my blood needs to be drawn or a flu shot or an antibiotic shot given. Having no choice , I calmly submit to it .

The majority of people are like me . and I mean …adults . Of course it is absolutely natural for children to be afraid of needles .It would be abnormal other wise .

One would suppose that the young faint at heart , delicate woman would be a candidate for needle phobia . Not true . Majority of young women I’ve encountered in my practice are actually very brave and sometime even smile when I’m sticking the needle in their vein .
It’s the men I worry about .
I’ve encountered some big brawny macho men who have tolerated broken bones in many a fight who start quivering like jelly at the start of a needle . They are quite ashamed of it but cannot help the fear . Their veins are as big as my little finger and they should be the easiest candidates ..but the way they keep pulling back their arm away… makes it virtually impossible to start an intravenous saline drip on them .

My friend who works in the emergency room at the Sion hospital ,Mumbai tells me how on weekends the big Sardars come in with scalps split open . guts hanging out , .. totally unfazed by such awful injuries very bravely tolerant of the pain .
But when they see the syringe with the needle coming towards them ..they go into a panic state .

There are some who actually like a needle stick …and will point the best vein to me that is still available for a stick .. These are the IV drug pushers or the addicts .. to them the needle sticks are no more significant than spilling hot coffee on their skin .

I dread this class of people because they are hard to put to sleep ..to be anesthetized .

Needle phobia has nothing to do with the size of the needle.. .they are scared regardless Usually I tell such patients to look the other way and distract them with a funny anecdote while I quickly slip the needle in .

Once the needle is in the arm, the patients seem to be complacent and tolerant .it’s funny that when it comes to taking the needle out … at that time they don’t show fear .

There are local anesthetics , creams available…even ice … that can be applied to the skin before the needle punctures are done ..but this takes 10 mins or so to be effective ..and not worth the extra step .

I dread this class of people because they are hard to put to sleep ..to be anesthetized .

Needle phobia has nothing to do with the size of the needle.. .they are scared regardless Usually I tell such patients to look the other way and distract them with a funny anecdote while I quickly slip the needle in .

Once the needle is in the arm, the patients seem to be complacent and tolerant .it’s funny that when it comes to taking the needle out … at that time they don’t show fear .

There are local anesthetics , creams available…even ice … that can be applied to the skin before the needle punctures are done ..but this takes 10 mins or so to be effective ..and not worth the extra step .
Mostly as I tell my patients ,” Just grin and bear it guys ..it’s not a big deal ! “
It’s really not .